A Day in the Life of the Phantom
by The Lark
Summary: What was the Phantom's life really like? The result of too much caffeine. Finished!
1. That Darn Cat

A Day in the Life of the Phantom

By The Lark

Yeah, yeah, you all know the bit. Phantom isn't mine, nothing anybody recognizes is mine *sigh*

Chapter One: That Darn Cat

The Phantom is wakened by his monkey alarm clock. Irritated, he hurls it against the wall, and pulls the blankets back over his head. 

He has no sooner shut his eyes, however, than an angry cat pounces on him. He tumbles reluctantly out of his coffin. "Alright, alright, I'm up…" He gives his teddy bear a good morning hug and pulls on his favorite blue and yellow golf pants. He is about to select a matching tank top, when the cat rips it out of his hands and slashes it with her claws.

Erik glares. "What? You got a problem with my taste in fashion?" The cat meows. 

Erik looks insulted. "Fine. What would _you_ have me wear?"

The cat dives into his wardrobe and emerges a moment later with a black hat and cape in her mouth. 

"Aw!" Erik whines. "But I'm sick of wearing black! Don't you think I could use a little color?"

The cat hisses.

Erik stamps his foot. "What? Just because I'm a twisted freak who lives under an opera house, that automatically means I have to dress like a Goth?" 

The cat simply drops the cape at his feet and looks up at him expectantly. He finally gives in and reaches down to put it on. "Fine," he growls. "God, who made you my mother?"

The Persian stands in the doorway, observing the scene with some concern. "Talking to the cat again, Erik?"

Erik frowns. "So? You talk to your hamster!"

Nadir looks embarrassed. "Keep Mr. Fluffy out of this."

Erik raises an eyebrow. "Mr. Fluffy? What happened to Mr. Fuzzy?"

Nadir's eyes well up with tears. "He died."

"Gosh Nadir, what is that? Five hamsters in six months! Not counting the poor goldfish." He gestures to a chair. "Sit down." They both sit, but the moment they are settled, the cat begins to hiss again. Erik looks nervous. "Uh, she doesn't like for people to put their feet on the couch."

Nadir gets up and heads out the door. "That's it, I'm out of here. I…uh… need to go make a visit to the pet cemetery! Yes, that's it. Later, Erik."

Erik sniffles sadly, scowling at the cat. "See what you've done? I can never keep any friends, and it's all your fault!"

The cat stares blankly, which he seems to take for an answer.

"It is not _either_ because of my face! My face isn't all that bad." He lifts the mask to demonstrate and the cat flees the room in terror. Erik's eyes tear up. "I don't care what you think! My therapist told me not to listen to negative people. So there!" He looks a little uncertain, though.

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Yeah, cut me a break. It's late at night and I'm high on caffeine. The next chapter will be slightly less weird.


	2. The Ballet Girls

Chapter Two: Ballet Girls

Erik decides to take a little stroll to get out of the house and away from that bossy old cat. He makes his way cheerfully through the twists and turns of his labyrinth and finally reaches the ground floor. "Whew, it sure is stuffy down here. What I need are some Glade Plug-Ins…oh, right, they haven't been invented yet…" He pops open the trapdoor. "Ahhh, fresh air!" 

Looking around, he notices that he is in the middle of the ballet girls' dressing room. "Well, how about that? Hmm, wonder where everyone's gone off to?"

As if on cue, the ballet girls march in from practice. Erik brightens. "Hey," he thinks happily, "a chance to make some new friends." He walks on over, holding out a hand amicably, but doesn't watch where he's going and runs into a large wardrobe. 

The wardrobe topples over, crushing two of the girls beneath it. Erik tugs at his collar guiltily.

"Oh no!" cries one of the girls.

"What _was_ that?" another wonders out loud.

Meg peers curiously around the wardrobe. "AAAAAAAAAGH! _It's the Phantom of the Opera! He's come to kill us all!"_

Erik's eyes light up, a plan forming. "Uh… right! Yeah, I did it all on purpose! Hehehehehe!" _Are they going to buy it?_

"_Eeeeeee! Run away!!!" _The girls all scream and scatter, several of them running into walls on their way out. 

Erik's shoulders slump, and he slinks dejectedly back into the labyrinth. "Oh well. Maybe my therapist will have some good advice…"

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Yes, there will be more, unless you all hate this and tell me to burn it. Let me know J 


	3. I'm Listening

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Chapter Three: I'm Listening

Erik crashes down from the rafters and onto the desk of an unfortunate old gentleman with a pipe in his mouth. "Hey Doc," he greets calmly.

The doctor shakes his head and looks at the shattered remains of his desktop. "Erik, how many times have I asked you to enter my office through the door?"

Erik rubs his head. " I tried to, but the doorman started screaming and beating me with a stick."

The doctor shakes his head again. "Erik, have you ever considered plastic surgery?"

Erik's lower lip trembles. "But I thought you said I shouldn't dwell on my physical appearance. You weren't just patronizing me because of my reputation for murder, were you?"

"Uh…no, no, of course not!" The doctor fixes him with a slightly forced smile. "So what the matter this time?" He pauses warily. "Erik, if this is about that cat of yours again-

"No, actually, I need some romantic advice." The Phantom sinks onto the couch with a dreamy sigh. "Y'see, there's this girl…"

"I'm listening." The doctor sticks a pipe into his mouth.

"Well, her name's Christine Daae, and she's a chorus girl at my Opera."

The doctor lifts an eyebrow curiously. " Chorus girl? Exactly how old is this Christine?"

Erik shrugs. "Twenty or so. Why?"

"But _you're_ near fifty years old. Isn't it a little difficult for you to form a stable relationship with so little common ground?"

Erik scowls. "Shut up. I'm an evil genius-I found a way around that in a jiffy." He reclines back smugly. "I told her I was a supernatural being sent by her dead father."

The doctor frowns. "Erik, it sounds to me like this young lady of yours has some projection issues. You shouldn't be messing with her mind."

Erik wipes his eyes on a handkerchief. "But I just want girls to like me!"

"First you must learn to like yourself."

Erik looks at the floor uncertainly. "I-I just…"

"Erik, you must not let your problems with your mother taint all your future relationships."

Erik jumps to his feet angrily. "I'll never forgive her! She ran away to Las Vegas with that male stripper and forgot all about me!"

The doctor moans miserably. "Here we go with the mother stories again!"

Erik is pacing furiously. "…and one time when I was seven, she ran my teddy bear through the dryer and he fell into a million pieces. And when I cried about it, she said I was having a tantrum and sent me to my room without any ice cream! And then, when I was five…"

The doctor makes the sign of the cross. "Next time he comes in here, I'm sending him to a specialist…"

Erik shakes him. "Hey, you're not listening!" He clears his throat and continues his monologue. "And then when I was eight, my daddy got put in jail for stealing that crate of glass doorknobs…"

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Yep, to be continued again


	4. Chance Meeting

Chapter Four: Chance Meetings

Erik finally realizes that he isn't going to get any sympathy from the mean old man, so he gets up and decides to leave. Unfortunately, he forgets his earlier meeting with the doorman and leaves out the front way. The doorman begins to beat him again, all the while shrieking his guts out.

Erik shoves him away. "Stop that! My cat will kill me if I get blood all over my best cape!"

The doorman shakes his head vigorously. "Ha! You're just trying to trick me so that you can kill me when my back is turned and eat my brain. Help! Somebody help!"

A young blond guy in a Navy outfit comes running down the sidewalk. "Don't worry! I'll save you!" He glances back and forth between them. "Uh…which one of you is the bad guy here?"

"Not me!" Erik denies. "He started it!"

The doorman shakes his head vigorously. "Don't listen to him! Look at him-a shadowy figure in a mask and cape! Of course he's the bad guy!"

"Hah! If he's the bad guy, why hasn't he cut off your head by now? You cannot fool the Vicomte de Chagny!" The blond guy wallops the doorman over the head. 

Erik shakes his hand amiably. "Thank you for your help, kid. It's nice to see that not everyone buys into the usual villain stereotypes."

The vicomte waves a hand dismissively. "Don't mention it. If I do twenty good deeds, then my big brother says he will reduce my grounding to three weeks instead of a month." He puts out his hand. "How do you do? Say, what's the mask for?" His eyes light up. "Oh! Are you the Scarlet Pimpernel?"

Erik's face falls. "You mean you haven't heard of me? I'm the Phantom of the Opera."

"Hm. Doesn't ring a bell. I'm Raoul de Chagny, but my friends call me Wally."

Erik shakes his hand. "Erik Q. Hinklemeyer at your service."

Raoul jumps up and down excitedly. "Say, I _have _heard of you! You're the Angel of Music Christine is always prattling on about!"

Erik sighs. "The angel thing isn't exactly accurate. But you know how Christine can be." Both men nod their heads wearily. "So, how do you know Christine?"

"She's my girlfriend."

"What?" Erik quirks an eyebrow. "You must be mistaken, Christine is _my _girlfriend."

Raoul frowns in confusion. "No, no, no, no. Christine is _my _girlfriend."

"I believe you are in error, monsieur!"

"I assure you I am not!"

Erik narrows his eyes. "Alright," he says in an undertone. "I guess there's only one way to settle this then."

Raoul nods. "Right. We'll let the girl decide."

Erik claps the vicomte on the back. "Exactly my idea, my boy."

"Off to the Opera then. We can take my brother's carriage. Oh, and on the way, you simply must show me where you got that evil-villain-cape! I just love the way it flows when you move."

"Why, thank you. My cat selected it. She insists on picking out all my clothes."

"Huh, sounds like my brother. He's sooooo strict." Raoul rolls his eyes.

"Really? You and I should talk…"

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Hehe, yeah, Raoul's going to be in a scene or two. Please don't hate me?


	5. The Showdown

Chapter Five: The (Cough) Showdown

Erik and his new chum tumble out of their carriage, swapping sob stories about their horrible, mean authority figures.

"…And one time, she wanted me to be home by ten, and I told her no way, and she made me sit in the corner for an hour!" 

"Wow, man, that's way harsh…"

Erik tugs at his companion's sleeve. "This way, Wally, my boy." He points to a trapdoor. "If we take my shortcut, we can get to Christine without all the screaming and fainting ballet girls."

The Phantom and his…er, rival…finally pop up behind the mirror. Raoul looks impressed. "Wow, a hall of mirrors! Is this Six Flags?"

"No, it's my house."

"Cool!"

Erik is cheered by the praise. "Really? Nadir always says it would look better in pastels." He pushes the mirror open, revealing Christine in the middle of changing for a performance. 

Christine screams and runs behind a screen. "God, Erik, don't you ever knock?"

"No." He rubs his battered head, still bearing the marks of his earlier clash with the doorman. "I've learned my lesson about entering doors the traditional way."

Christine notices Raoul and screams again. "What are you doing here?" She runs over, shielding him protectively. "Run, my beloved! Quickly, before the Phantom sees you and goes mad with jealousy!"

Raoul pulls free. "Oh, really, Christine, don't be hysterical."

"Yes, Christine, don't try and distract us. We know you've been cheating on us!"

"Huh?"

Raoul marches over to stand beside Erik. "Don't play stupid! Just choose-him or me?"

Erik nods. "Yeah. We want commitment!"

Christine grasps her head in bewilderment. "You two aren't supposed to be ganging up on me!" She moves over to Erik. "Honey, you're the mysterious seducer, remember?" She pats Raoul on the arm. "And you're the knight in shining armor, remember pumpkin?" She pulls a set of pistols out of a drawer. "Now, go on. Duel for me like good romantic rivals."

Raoul reluctantly takes a pistol. "Well…I guess, if you _insist_..."

"Really, Christine! Wally and I are friends now. There's no need to resort to violence."

Christine stares at him. "_No need for violence_? _What kind of seducer are you_?!" She stamps her foot. "Go on, duel!"

Erik turns to leave, unwilling to listen to this madness any longer. "I must be going. Wally, why don't you see if you can calm her down?" He ducks back through the mirror, wondering if perhaps he should take her down to visit Doc.

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Yes, okay, sorry, this just seems to be getting weirder and no matter what I do I can't seem to normalize it. (*evil laugh* I no longer control the fic, the fic controls ME! MWAHAHAHAHA…ahem…) Anyway, continued once again…


	6. The End of It

Chapter Six: The End of It

"Erik?" The Daroga, wearing a black suit and carrying a couple of hamster-sized bouquets of flowers, knocks hesitantly at the door. "Erik, are you alright in there?" He is answered by a loud crashing noise, followed by a bunch of sneezing. Nadir frowns and opens the door.

He finds Erik perched on the floor next to the torture chamber, his hands on a panel of levers. When he hears someone inside yelling for Erik, he panics and drags the Phantom away from the chamber. "Erik! What are you doing?" Shakes his head up at the torture chamber. "I knew I shouldn't have given him that Erector set for Christmas."

Erik blinks in confusion. "Um, Nadir, I really think you'd better let me get back to my torture chamber."

Nadir shakes his head fiercely. "No. Now stay back, while I go get the battering ram."

"Um, Nadir, wouldn't it be easier to just push the "open door" button?" Erik ventures, pushing the button.

A very dusty Raoul tumbles out, with his sleeves rolled up and a socket wrench in his hands. "ACHOO! It sure is dusty in there. Okay, I think she's ready to roll, old pal."

Erik motions to Nadir. "Wally, this is Nadir. Daroga, this is my new friend, Raoul, Vicomte de Chagny. He's been helping me to repair this wretched homemade security system."

Nadir looks confused. "Oh. Uh…okay then."

Erik nods. "Yeah. No burglars are going to be getting in now." He sighs. "But look at us now. We're covered in dirt and this industrial strength oven cleaner."

Raoul sways dizzily to and fro. "Yeah, it was great on those soot stains, but the fumes are starting to get to me." His eyes roll back into his head and he slumps onto the floor.

Erik pulls him to his feet. "Now, now, Raoul, don't get all woozily on me. Christine promised to meet us in her dressing room with her choice tonight, remember? Come on, let's go find something to wear." He drags the half-conscious Viscount away, his cat trailing after them. The cat hisses angrily.

Erik scowls. 'No, we are _not _going to get soot on the good carpet. Are not! Are NOT!" 

Nadir drags a perplexed looking man through the door and follows them. "Erik, Wally, come back here! I want you to meet a friend of mine."

Raoul and Erik emerge from the hallway in tuxedoes. "Nope, can't talk now. We've got to find our girlfriend."

Nadir drags his friend along after them. "Guys, come back here! This guy promised me five francs if I showed him the freak! _Guys_!" 

Erik is leading Raoul through the corridors, both men ignoring Nadir and his customer. "Let's see…which of these doors is Christine's?"

"Dunno." Raoul opens one. Piangi is on the other side, dressed in a cat costume and singing. He laughs and shakes his head. "That crazy guy. Who ever heard of a singing cat?" 

"Wrong door." Erik tries a second one. The moment he looks inside, however, he slams it shut and jumps back with a horrified look in his eyes. "AGH!"

"What's wrong?" Raoul moves to see what has upset him so, but Erik pounces on him before he can reach the door. 

"No!" Erik insists. "That's Carlotta's dressing room. Remind me to board that door up." He tries a third door. "Ah, here we go." He and Raoul poke their heads in, unseen by Christine, who is sitting at her dressing table with…Firmin?

Erik and Raoul look confused, and lean in closer to hear their conversation. "…Yes, I love you too, Firmykins. Now, get out of here, before Andre sees us together and has a fit."

Firmin, covered in lipstick marks, giggles and blushes stupidly. "M'kay, pretty lady."

Christine leads him over to the door. "That's a good boy. Now, I'll see you tonight at--" 

She is cut off as Andre bursts through the front door with a bouquet in one hand. "Christine? Darling, I thought perhaps we could steal a few minutes together before that bloody partner of mine get back, and--" He suddenly notices Firmin. "Hey, what's he doing here?"

Firmin glares at him. "It's all over, Andre. Christine is in love with me now." He nudges Christine. "Go on, tell him!"

Christine giggles. "Now, boys, if you want to settle this, there's going to have to be a duel." She pulls the pistols out of her dresser again, squealing excitedly. "Mmm, this is all so thrilling!" She hands the pistols to the managers and waves her hands at them. "Alright, boys. Ten paces, you keep going till first blood. Let's go! Come on, I haven't got all day, now!"

Erik and Raoul tumble out of the doorway, looking perturbed. "Christine!" Erik frowns disapprovingly. "Have you been leading these two on all this time, too?"

Christine looks nervous. "Hmm…well…this is awfully awkward. I never thought you'd all be in the same room together."

Raoul shakes his head. "Why'd you do it, Christine?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. My psychiatrist, Doc, says it's because I have low self esteem."

Erik sighs. "That's no excuse for tearing four men to bits!"

Christine looks at the floor. "Well…uh…five, actually."

"Five?"

The door swings open yet again, and in walks Phillipe de Chagny. "Why, Christine, mon cher, I didn't know you were having a party tonight!"

Firmin and Andre look annoyed. "Oh, well," sighs Firmin. "Maybe that girl from Miss Saigon could use a pair of suitors."

Erik and Raoul look at each other, shrugging. "Well," says Erik, " I guess I'll go over and see if any of those nice ballet girls go for the dark, angst-ridden type. Hey, Wally, wanna come with?"

Raoul swings an arm around his shoulders. "Right behind ya, old buddy!" They run off toward the ballet girls' rooms. A few minutes later, a chorus of girls' screams echoes down the hall, followed by a man's voice laughing. "Now, girls, there's no need to play hard to get!"

Nadir and his friend are still hanging out of the doorway. Nadir's friend whacks him over the head. "You idiot! You charged me five francs for that? That's the worst freak show I've ever seen in my life!" He storms angrily down the corridor. "I'll really have to doctor that incident up if I'm ever going to turn it into a story!"

"Hey, wait! Where's my money, Monsieur Leroux?"

****

THE END


End file.
